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“The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win and cheat if necessary.”

“Don’t forget, incoming fire has the right of way …”

“Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it, cause it’s going to be empty.”

“If you’re not shooting, you should be loading. If you’re not loading, you should be moving, if you’re not moving, someone’s gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick.”

“When you reload in low light encounters, don’t put your flashlight in your back pocket.. If you light yourself up, you’ll look like an angel or the tooth fairy… and you’re gonna be one of ‘em pretty soon.”

“Do something. It may be wrong, but do something.”

“Shoot what’s available, as long as it’s available, until something else becomes available.” More »

If you don’t know what this tribute is about, Google “AC Bus Fight”.

1.  Kill some flies.

2.  Put them out in the sun for about an hour or so to let them dry out.

3.  Get a pencil and paper and let your imagination flow !

I called my friend Andy Sable , a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy ’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. More »

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
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I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
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There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
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Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
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