www.jerrystout.us

I’ve only lived here since October, so I guess none of this counts. But if you live in Alaska for an extended period— maybe a year or so, or at least surviving one Alaska winter — you will become a lifetime member of the Alaska Cult.

Benefits of membership include the ability to carry on full conversations using the cult language with other members, even if you live in completely different parts of the Last Frontier. Ranking of cult members is based on seniority, disregarding other factors such as intelligence, the ability to recall accurate information about Alaska and even social and monetary status.

At any public meeting — or even private ones — within the state of Alaska, cult members begin long, unrehearsed statements with how long they’ve lived in Alaska. The longer you are here, the more credit you have in the bank of cult influence and opinion. Major disputes, even court cases, have been settled in favor of the highest-ranking cult members, even if their seniority has nothing to do with the dispute at hand.

This seniority ranking also been has confirmed in the Alaska Frommer’s guide written by a high-ranking Alaska Cult member who grew up in Juneau and now lives in Anchorage — because if it’s in print, it must be true. More »